I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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