i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
