Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
