My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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