Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
