tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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