I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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