to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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