So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
