yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
