i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You are a genius and a whore.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
