You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
