I'm so fucking centered right now
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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