You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
