Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
