This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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