i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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