I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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