I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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