Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
