Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
