I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
