i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
