If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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