Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Michael Bay diarrhea
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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