and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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