I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
