Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
