I skipped work to stalk him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
