You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
