I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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