i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
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the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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