my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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