I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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