Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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