just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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