Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
