Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My breasts were aching with rage.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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