I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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