theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
