I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
