I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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