Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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