if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
