I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
