so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
