from now on my penis is your penis
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
