I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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