last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
