drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
