Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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