I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
