i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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