Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.