I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need a hobby that isn't dick related