Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize