The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
