We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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